


the mark of in-ze

by dare121



Series: Kalex Appreciation Week 2018 [1]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Belated Kalex Week 2018, Black Mercy, Day 1: Accidental Marriage/Dating, F/F, Kalex Week, kalex week 2018
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-27
Updated: 2018-10-27
Packaged: 2019-08-08 14:22:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16431101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dare121/pseuds/dare121
Summary: Alex’s fingers didn't tremble on the gun as she pointed it at Astra’s back. “I didn't think you’d be suicidal enough to come here after what you did."Astra turned slowly, keeping her eyes hidden by her hair for a second longer. They were standing in Kara’s apartment, surrounded by the scent of home and the knowledge that Kara had been attacked here not more than six hours ago.“I don't approve of you, but I'm not here to fight,” Astra said without malice, her thumb stroking over the picture, over Kara’s small face.---or, that time Alex wants to save Kara from the Black Mercy and Astra is there to "help"





	the mark of in-ze

**Author's Note:**

> what are you talking about. it's definitely still the 14th of October

Alex’s fingers didn't tremble on the gun as she pointed it squarely at Astra’s back. “I didn't think you’d be suicidal enough to come here after what you did,” she said, adjusting her aim a little so it was centered on Astra’s heart.

Astra turned slowly, keeping her eyes hidden by her hair for a second longer. There was a picture frame in her hands. It showed Alex and Kara on a beach as teens, their arms wrapped around each other. The sight of it brought a fresh wave of despair over Alex.

They were standing in Kara’s apartment, surrounded by the scent of home and the knowledge that Kara had been attacked here not more than six hours ago.

“I don't approve of you, but I'm not here to fight,” Astra said without malice, her thumb stroking over the glass, over Kara’s small face.

“I don't care what you think of me or what you're here to do. You either tell me how to help Kara, or I’ll _make_ you.” Alex’s voice was quietly dangerous, and she saw with some satisfaction that Astra didn't show her usual smirk at her threats. Maybe she realized on some primal level that Alex had come bearing kryptonite bullets.

“I can't do anything to help Kara. Trust me, I would if I could,” Astra said as she finally set the picture frame back on Kara’s chest of drawers. “Non made this decision all on his own.”

“Bullshit!” Alex exploded, taking a step closer so she could press the gun directly against Astra’s suit.

But Astra didn't even flinch.

“I don't know what my niece sees in you, but you're the only one who can help her now.” She lifted an object into view, a crystal. It was of a rich yellow color and decorated with the House of In-Ze crest. “Under any other circumstances, I would never allow a lowly species like you to be tied to us, but Non leaves me no choice.”

Alex scowled, but she didn't move away as Astra placed the crystal on the back of her right hand, the one that held the gun, and covered it with her own.

“You might be brave, but you're nothing compared to her,” Astra whispered threateningly, her nose almost close enough to brush Alex’s.

“Get to the point,” Alex growled back.

Astra tightened her grip ever so slightly, no doubt seeking to leave an indent in Alex’s skin, a mark of some kind.

“ _Rrip, Alexandra Danvers, chao Kara Zor-El_ ,” Astra said, her tongue curling around the Rs in an angry hiss. The crystal began to glow, and Alex almost wanted to pull away. Almost. “ _Rraop nim daogh. Uldif. Khap, Astra In-Ze, khelish voiehd uvrrheoshagh_.”

The light became too bright and Alex closed her eyes.

Soon after, a sharp burning sensation flared up on the back of her hand where the crystal was touching it, and she wondered for a second if she should have trusted Astra’s earnestly enraged face. Maybe all of this was just a ploy to get Alex off the board, too, so Astra and Non could move forward with their plans.

She hadn’t understood most of the words that Astra had spoken; her accent was too different from Kara’s, too pronounced.

When the burning faded alongside the light, Alex opened her eyes.

She was still exactly where she had been before.

Astra looked the same.

Alex didn’t feel sick or like she’d just been cursed by some terrible Kryptonian ritual.

“That hurt,” she muttered, quietly relieved when Astra took a step back, the crystal palmed in her own hand.

“It was meant to.”

Looking down, Alex was only mildly surprised when she spotted the small insignia burned into her skin. It had healed already, but when Alex passed the finger of her free hand over it, it still smarted.

“This will help me save Kara from the Black Mercy?” Alex asked unhelpfully, trying to work out how exactly a mark was supposed to do that.

“It is not the same as it would have been if you had received the blessing from Alura, but my sister is no more.” Astra looked down at the crystal, an expression of both melancholy and disgust crossing her face. “Kara is like a daughter to me. Non will pay for what he has done.” She stretched out her hand, and Alex accepted the offering. “Maybe one day Kara will be able to pass this on to her children. If you prove not entirely worthless.”

The crystal retained it’s gorgeous hue, and though Alex couldn’t put her finger on why, she thought it looked a little different now.

“If you disappoint me, my next visit won't be this cordial.” Astra stepped towards the window, and she only stopped when Alex grabbed her arm.

“You don't get to leave until you explain to me _exactly_ how I’m supposed to get Kara away from that thing.” The mark on her hand burned again, though not unpleasantly so. Her anger was righteous, and she felt it on behalf of Kara. Somehow, deep down, she knew the mark of In-Ze approved.

Astra seemed to sense it, too, which was likely the only reason she didn't rip Alex’s body limb from limb. Though it didn't stop her lip from curling in disgust.

Alex would take what she could get.

 

-

 

“I need my sister!” Alex wailed, hand stretched out towards Kara in a desperate attempt to grab her. She’d never anticipated that somebody's mind projections could be so strong. Too strong. She could feel herself being pulled away. “Kara, please!”

In a last ditch effort, she turned her hand, revealing the mark Astra had left on her.

“Astra gave this to me. Please remember. _Please_!” The brand burned hotter than it ever had and Alex could have sworn it was glowing. It was hard to tell. Everything was so bright on Krypton already.

Kara touched her forehead.

“Alex?” she whispered to herself, before the projection of her mother grabbed her upper arm.

“It’s a lie, Kara,” she hissed, but the damage was already done.

The ground started to shake, and Alex struggled even harder than she had before. The heat from the mark seemed to engulf more and more of her body, and though Kara was being held back now, too, Alex knew they were getting out.

She just needed… to… reach…

“Kara!”

She’d managed to force her captors to the ground with her, her hand mere inches away from Kara’s. The beautiful crystal room around them was falling apart; people were yelling. But the only thing Alex could see was the blue of Kara’s eyes.

 

-

 

With a gasp, Alex woke to find Kara on her feet. The Black Mercy was on the floor, and Kara had her arms wrapped around herself. She had her back turned, too, and was facing the wall.

Alex wanted to give her space, and she was pretty sure she needed some, too. It wasn't every day you realized that your sister's perfect world didn't involve you in any way. But she also knew that Kara had just been through something more traumatic than Alex could ever imagine, and the last thing she should be doing was to stew in it.

With J’onn’s help, Alex wobbled to her feet.

“Kara?” she asked tentatively, watching for any sign that she’d been heard and understood. When Kara’s back stiffened, she wobbled another step closer. “Kara?”

“I need to find Non,” Kara replied, her back still turned. She cleared her throat. “And Astra. They wanted us distracted.”

“The DEO can handle them; you just woke up,” Alex started quietly, noting absently that some of the other people in the room shuffled uncomfortably in their places at the gentleness in her voice.

They startled when Kara turned around, fury etched into every facet of her being.

“No!” she barked out, something dangerous lurking just beneath the surface. Her anger seemed to trigger the mark just as much as their mutual desperation had earlier, and Alex breathed out painfully. Maybe she should reevaluate the thought that Astra had cursed her.

When Kara’s eyes fell to the burn scar, she only seemed to grow angrier. And sadder, too. Then, she was gone, before Alex or anyone else could say another word.

Scowling softly, Alex rubbed at the back of her hand, wondering not for the first time why she’d had to become so entangled in alien matters in the first place. Her puny human feelings could barely handle any of this crap, and if she wasn't so damn good at compartmentalizing, she would have been curled up in a corner.

“You should lie down,” J’onn said softly, though without much conviction. He didn't seem surprised when she shook her head.

“Kara needs backup,” she said by way of explanation, before gathering whatever strength she had left and striding from the room. When James tried to stop her at the door, she gave him a glare so fierce that he immediately stepped aside to let her through.

 

-

#Groaning in pain, Alex watched with horror as Astra hit J’onn hard against the side of his face, forcing his body to the ground. He was on his knees in front of her, and there was blood dribbling from the side of his mouth.

“You have become tiresome, Martian,” Astra said as she made a grab for J’onn’s throat. “I don't have time for your interruptions.”

Forcing herself to her feet, Alex wiped a trickle of blood from her brow.

“Let him go!” she commanded, reaching back and drawing the kryptonite sword she’d brought out of its sheath on her back. “I don't want to hurt you, Astra!”

“We both know that’s a lie,” Astra said, squeezing J’onn’s throat a little tighter. He grabbed at her arm, but he was too weak to fight, and Alex had to make a decision.

With purpose, she strode forward, sword at the ready, poised to stab----her hand burned hot enough to almost make her drop her sword, as though it could feel her intent to _kill_.

“You won't get in the way again,” Astra hissed, her eyes glowing a deep red.

Changing plans, Alex grabbed the sword with both hands and swung it around like a hammer, hitting the side of Astra’s head with enough force to knock her down. The kryptonite made her vulnerable, and the strength of Alex’s rage made her buckle.

As soon as she was down, Alex brought the tip of the sword to her throat.

“What the hell does this do?” she snarled at a dazed Astra, pointing angrily at the mark of In-Ze. “Why doesn't it want me to kill you?”

Astra writhed in pain, the kryptonite forcing her to stay down.

“I blessed your union, Alexandra,” Astra slurred, her hands digging into the gravel underneath her. “Did no one ever teach you that it’s bad form to kill your in-laws?”

Heartbeat going into overdrive, Alex gritted her teeth. Her hands were shaking, and sweat was gathering at the back of her neck.

_In-laws?_ , she thought. _In-laws?_

“What does that mean?” she demanded, wishing she could wipe the horrible smile from Astra’s lips. “What the hell does that mean, Astra?!”

She had half a mind to finish what she’d started earlier, to just _stab_. Drive down the blade until Astra couldn't hurt them anymore. Couldn't hurt Kara ever again.

“Alex!”

Turning her head, Alex watched as Kara hurtled towards them, losing momentum with every moment.

“Stop!” she called, causing Alex to draw back her sword just slightly. Though not enough for Astra to regain her strength. “Don't kill her. Please.” Kara set down a few feet away from her, hands outstretched. “We can take her in. Just don't do something you’ll regret.”

Furrowing her brows, Alex drew back a little more. Why was Kara talking to her the way Alex ought to have been talking to _her_. After what had happened and how Kara had shot away guns blazing, Alex would have expected her to be cheering at seeing Astra brought to her knees.

“J’onn,” Alex said slowly, keeping Kara and Astra in her field of vision. “Are you strong enough to cuff Astra?” J’onn, who had been rubbing his throat next to her as he recovered, nodded and reached for the Kryptonian cuffs at her belt.

To her credit, Astra didn't struggle as she was tugged upright so J’onn could cuff her hands behind her back. She knew full well that she was outnumbered and outmatched against the three of them. Especially with Alex’s kryptonite weapons.

As soon as she was restrained, Alex resheathed the sword so Kara wouldn't have to keep her distance. While J’onn called for backup, Kara threw her arms around Alex.

“I know what she did to you was horrible, but thank you. Thank you for sparing her,” Kara whispered against Alex’s neck, her hands curling into the fabric of Alex’s black polo shirt.

Mouth dry, Alex returned the embrace, her eyes drifting to the mark. Now wasn't the time to talk about it, although Kara clearly knew what her aunt had done. Deciding to put aside her own feelings for the moment, Alex patted Kara’s back.

“It’s okay, Kara. It’s alright.” How would she feel now if she really had done it? If she’d stabbed Astra through the heart like she’d wanted to. Would Kara be hugging her, then?

 

-

 

In the locker room of the DEO, Alex finally opened her mouth. She’d been keeping shtum for close to two hours at this point. But now, Astra was put away in a cell, Non was incapacitated somewhere, and Alex and the others had finished their meeting about the day’s events.

Kara was standing next to her, still in her Supergirl uniform. She’d be flying them both home, but Alex didn't want to wait until they were there.

Closing her locker, Alex turned the back of her right hand towards Kara.

“What does this mean?” she asked, balling her hand into a fist.

“Alex…” Kara started, clearly unwilling to share, but Alex didn't care.

“I know you know, Kara. You get that _look_ in your eyes every time you see it.” Alex pulled the crystal from her pants pocket. “Astra used this to burn me and I _know_ that it means something.”

“Do we really have to talk about it here?” Kara tried to deflect, sitting down on one of the benches. “Let’s just wait until I’ve taken you home.”

“No.” Alex tossed the crystal to Kara, before crossing her arms over her chest, making sure the mark was still clearly visible. “Your aunt did some Kryptonian magic to me and I want to know what it was. Did it turn me into some sort of servant? Because I can _handle_ that; I just need to know.”

The words _in-laws_ and _union_ floated around in her brain, but that could mean all sorts of things, surely? They might even represent something entirely different on Krypton.

“It wasn't magic,” Kara muttered to herself, cradling the crystal of In-Ze in her hands. She held it gently, delicately, as though it could _feel_. That didn't make Alex feel better.

“Fine, so she did Kryptonian _science_ to me,” Alex replied, leaning her back against the lockers. “She talked about some sort of union?”

Kara’s thumb stroked along the yellow crest in her hand.

“She shouldn't have done it.”

“But she did.” Alex sighed, contemplated her next move, and ultimately decided that being cold and demanding wouldn't work. A moment later, she was sitting next to Kara, her hands tangled together in her lap. “Kara… whatever she did, it’s okay. I’ll deal with it. If it got you back, it was worth it and I'd do it again.”

Shoulders hunched, Kara reached over and took Alex’s right hand to study the scar there. Warmth spread through Alex’s body. Hot and familiar, but more present than ever before, like the mark had amplified how safe and happy Kara made her feel.

“She took a part of your soul,” Kara whispered, drawing her pointer finger along the scar. “It has nothing to do with magic; she took a physical part of _you_ and she gave it to _me_.” She turned over Alex’s hand, before drawing back the sleeve of her uniform. Underneath, the same mark was revealed. “And then the crystal gave a part of me to you.”

With a soft frown, Alex lifted her left hand and gently laid it on Kara’s now bare forearm.

“Was this sort of thing used to bond Houses together?” Alex asked, feeling almost scared to touch the identical burn scar on Kara.

“No,” Kara replied, leaning her forehead against Alex’s temple, “it was used to bond _people_. Joining Houses happened for all kinds of reasons. This… this is something else.” Kara’s voice was shaking. Her eyes were closed. And the anguish she felt reverberated in every part of her, so strong Alex could almost taste it.

“Kara,” Alex said slowly, moving back her head so she could look properly at her sister. “What did Astra _do_?”

Turning her face away, Kara held Alex’s hands just a little tighter. It hurt, but Alex liked it that way. Always just a little too close.

“She gave her blessing as my elder,” she started, her blue eyes now open again, but guarded. “For me to share my soul with you. Forever. For us to be one in Rao’s light until the day we die.”

Soft tendrils of dread slithered along Alex’s back. She licked her lips. Nervously. “Are you saying… Astra married us?” She had half a mind to pull away. But again, she did not.

“No,” Kara said again, finally looking Alex in the eye again. “No, she didn't marry us. Marriage doesn't even come close.” She shook her head. “Alex, we--you--you're a _part_ of me now. Your pain will be my pain, your joy my joy.” She grabbed both of Alex’s hands. “This is _it_ for you, Alex. For me. You only get one. And she--she put you in this position without explaining anything. She took your chance to share your soul with someone you actually… I'm so sorry, Alex.”

Tears were threatening to appear in Kara’s eyes - Alex could tell.

“Hey, hey, whoa,” Alex said insistently, squeezing Kara’s hands back as hard as she could. “I'm sure we can fix this. I mean, what about polyamorous people? People who have more than one soulmate?”

“I don't,” Kara replied shakily, gaze flitting down to the mark. A curse, after all. “What about you?”

Biting her lower lip, Alex choked down the same feelings she’d been choking down since she was fourteen years old.

“I never planned to share my soul with anyone,” she admitted, looking away from their hands. “I never even planned on getting married…”

“Alex…”

With a sigh, Alex pulled Kara into a hug.

“We’ll figure it out, okay? We always do. I can think of a worse person to have my soul bonded to,” she whispered against Kara’s hair. “Imagine if I had to make it work with Maxwell Lord.”

Kara chuckled, her nose nuzzling against Alex’s neck. The warm puffs of air against her skin felt dangerously nice, and she blamed her reaction on the scar.

 

-

 

Sitting up in bed, Alex stared at the back of her hand. Pulling her legs against her chest, she placed her chin on her knees and looked at it. At that mark. The thing that had brought Kara back to her, but had also pushed her away.

Alex was in her apartment by herself, but it was like she could feel Kara close by. Could feel her heartbeat in her own chest.

The sensation had started up a few days ago, and it was distracting. A second heartbeat, slower than her own, throbbing whenever she least expected it. She could feel waves of emotions, too, that were foreign to her. Could feel anger surge up out of nowhere, as well as a sadness that curled around her own in strange ways.

Getting up from her bed, Alex passed her balcony door. It took her a second to see the shadow there, but she never tried to reach for her gun.

Kara had felt close because she was.

She was sitting on Alex’s balcony, clad in her pajamas. A soft fondness spread through Alex, intermingled with that feeling of sadness that had drenched every one of their interactions for the past three weeks. She slid open the door anyway.

“Come inside.”

Kara’s clothes were cold, but she was not. She was warm and solid, and Alex sank into her arms as soon as the door was closed. She couldn't tell if she was craving Kara’s presence because they’d been keeping their distance from each other, or if the mark was affecting her. She wasn't sure she cared.

“I'm sorry,” Kara murmured against Alex’s hair, her hands splaying against Alex’s back. “I tried to stay away.”

Alex shushed her, her right hand finding purchase on the back of Kara’s head and cradling her closer. She had something of an idea how Kara felt, and not just because she’d been feeling her anguish all night.

“It was terrible,” Alex admitted, thinking back to the date she’d forced herself on earlier. One of Kara’s acquaintances had expressed interest in Alex, and they’d talked about it. About how it might help, how it might bring some relief to Kara’s constant feelings of _guilt_. But before she’d even gone, Alex had known it wouldn't work. “She was great; I was terrible.”

At these news, Kara seemed to shrink in on herself even more, and Alex felt her guilt weigh more heavily than ever.

“Maybe it was too soon,” Alex tried to reassure her, though she knew it was a lie. She’d never wanted anyone else before, and she wouldn't want anyone else now, but she pushed the feelings down. If it made Kara feel better, she’d go on a hundred terrible dates with women she didn't like. And she’d bite her tongue about how terrible she felt every time Kara got to work and saw him. James. A person she could actually love.

“Yeah,” Kara replied, “maybe.” After a few more seconds, she pulled away and tried on an awkward smile. “I should go.”

The mark on Alex’s hand burned angrily at the suggestion, but she didn't need it to reject the idea outright.

“Stay,” she offered, taking Kara’s hand and tugging her towards the bed. “We haven't had a sleepover in forever.” The word tasted bitter on her tongue. _Forever_. With Kara’s superior constitution, they probably did have forever, if Alex’s soul decided to stick around. Forever miserable, forever tied together by a misunderstanding.

After a few days had passed, Alex had gone to Astra, had asked why she’d given her the mark, why she’d cursed her only niece to a half-life of misery. And Astra had had the gall to be _confused_.

Together, Alex and Kara slid beneath the blankets. Neither one pretended that they weren't needy. Soon enough, they were tangled together, arms wrapped tightly around one another, Kara’s head placed on Alex’s chest. Alex had no doubt that Kara could feel her heartbeat next to her own, but she didn't begrudge her the reassurance.

 

-

 

Astra had been _confused_.

She’d actually thought she was doing something _noble_ , something _kind_ by granting their union the ultimate form of legitimacy under Kryptonian rule.

Alex hadn't had the heart to tell her the whole truth, in the end. She’d made up an excuse about not being ready, which had earned her a scoff and an insult. Maybe Astra had never been truly good on Earth, but she had been on Krypton. Telling her that she’d condemned Kara with this decision wouldn't help any of them.

Rubbing slightly at her chest, Alex tried to ignore her sister’s phantom heartbeat as she worked. Kara had been excited about something recently, and while Alex liked the small spikes of happiness well enough during her free time, she resented them at work. How was she supposed to concentrate on the culture she was working on if all she could think about was sharing in Kara’s joy?

A knock at the door jamb to her lab pushed her out of her thoughts, and she tried to fight down the stab of annoyance she felt at seeing _James_ , of all people.

“Hey,” he said with a smile. When she only acknowledged his presence with a look, he hesitated visibly. “Uh, I was wondering if you knew where I could find Supergirl? She hasn't been to CatCo in like two days and she isn't returning my calls.”

Alex’s smug satisfaction that Kara had been returning _her_ calls was quickly overshadowed by worry. _Why_ hadn't Kara been to CatCo? And why hadn't she told Alex about it?

“Sorry, I can’t help you. Why don’t you ask Hank?” she said by way of dismissing him, before placing her eye against her microscope again. For a few days now, she’d been trying to work out how the In-Ze crystal worked and what it was made of. She’d even asked Kara to get her another example crystal from the Fortress. So far, she hadn’t made any progress.

When James didn’t budge, Alex suppressed a sigh and looked back up.

If he was to be Kara’s boyfriend - a fixture more permanent in her life than a colleague she fancied - then Alex should probably try to get along with him. It was just so damn difficult to look at his stupidly handsome face and think anything other than _you don’t deserve her_.

“Anything else I can help you with?” she asked, trying to sound less like she wanted him to get lost.

He hesitated again, then he took a step forward.

“I know Kara’s been feeling sort of down lately. She hasn’t told me why, exactly.” He looked almost upset at the realization that Kara had a life outside of the one she shared with him at work and during Supergirl duties, and Alex had to stamp down hard on that smugness again. It was difficult, though. Especially when the mark on her hand started to grow hot with approval. “I wanted to talk to you about planning something to cheer her up.”

She wanted to laugh in his stupidly grinning face.

“I’ll think about it,” she said instead, hoping the answer would make him go away and leave her be so she could stew on how best to confront Kara about her vanishing act at work. But he still didn’t leave.

“Thank you. That means a lot to me, and I’m sure it’ll mean a lot to Kara.” He grabbed the strap of his satchel and ran a hand along his shaved head. His words almost made her bristle. Hearing him speak for Kara felt _wrong_ on too many levels to count. “And I’ve been meaning to thank you for saving her, too, from the Black Mercy.”

The mark burned harder, brighter, and she slipped her hand from the desk before he could see her ball it into a fist.

She wanted to yell at him.

_I didn’t do it for_ you.

_None of this is about_ you.

Although, of course, in some ways, it was.

She let him go with a nod.

Then, she went back to work.

 

-

 

When Kara came home later than expected, Alex had already downed five beers. They were sitting neatly lined up on the coffee table, and she was draped over the couch, lazily nipping on a sixth one as the television played something nonsensical and unimportant. Alex had long since stopped watching. For the last several hours, she’d been staring at the ceiling, drinking beer, and trying to figure out what the different changes to Kara’s heartbeat and mood were trying to tell her.

“Hey,” Kara said gently as she unclipped her cape and draped it over Alex’s legs. “Bad night?”

She was gorgeous, especially when she unzipped her boots and almost fell over when she tried to tug the first one off. And though Alex wasn’t drunk, she was tipsy. She abruptly realized that drinking had been a mistake when she felt herself sit up and reach for Kara.

She blamed the mark. She always did.

“Just waiting for you,” Alex said, tugging Kara closer by the hand. “Wondering where you were.”

Shrugging slightly, Kara leaned down to press a kiss to Alex’s temple, her sweet touch causing Alex’s heart to skip a beat. Hiding her feelings, pushing them down, was becoming harder and harder the longer their souls were intertwined. The more time her body spent with a part of Kara attached to it, the more she craved her presence.

“Here and there,” Kara replied with a smile, her fingers gliding along Alex’s cheek. “I would have come home sooner if you’d told me you were here.”

Truth be told, Alex had relished the time by herself in Kara’s apartment. Now that they were trying to figure out a way to exist around each other without making it weird, they spent less and less time together, especially here. Sometimes, Alex wondered if Kara knew on some level that she was the only person Alex had ever truly loved, and if that was the reason she was feeling so guilty about the entire situation, because she could never return those feelings.

“I think I’m too tipsy,” Alex said out loud, handing the half-full bottle of beer over to Kara, who set it down on the coffee table, far enough away that Alex couldn’t reach for it without putting in the effort to get up. And she knew that a tipsy Alex was a lazy Alex.

Kara rubbed at her chest, a thoughtful expression coming over her face.

“Why are you so sad tonight, hm?” she asked softly as she sat down next to Alex’s legs. She was still wearing one of her boots. It was strange, hearing Kara speak so openly about their bond. Since they spent such little time alone together nowadays, they rarely discussed the effects the mark had on them.

With a sigh, Alex flopped back down and rubbed her face.

“Why didn’t you tell me about taking time off work?” she asked without preamble, lacing her hands on top of her stomach. Her mind was fuzzy enough that she didn’t feel the usual anxiety about asking Kara something that might make her angry. “James told me you haven’t been to CatCo in a couple days.”

A warm, sure hand curled around Alex’s knee, steadying her cloudy thoughts.

“I’ve been looking for ways to set you free,” Kara revealed, stroking her thumb along Alex’s jeans.

Blinking slowly, Alex dragged a nail across her mark.

“Free?” she asked, looking at Kara, who was staring at her leftover boot.

“You didn’t choose to share your soul with me. You’ve sacrificed enough for me, Alex. I can’t take this from you, too.” Reaching over, Kara covered Alex’s scar with her hand. Her palm was hot, though not hotter than the angry fear that emanated from Alex’s own skin. She didn’t say anything. Couldn’t. “I’ve been asking around. Krypton didn’t have a monopoly on soul sharing.”

Alex’s throat felt too dry and too sticky to speak at the same time.

“That’s why you’ve been so excited?” A frisson of despair slashed through Alex, poisoning her every cell. She couldn’t even imagine how horrible it must have been for Kara to be tied to someone like Alex, for her to be so happy at the prospect of finally being rid of that part of her soul. “You’ve been looking for things to… undo this?”

Even though she should have been glad for it, for things to go back to how they had been before, she couldn’t help but feel betrayed. It was a selfish, dirty feeling, wanting Kara to be stuck in this with her.

“You deserve better, Alex. You didn’t choose any of this. I want to make it right,” Kara said with conviction, her heartbeat invading Alex’s chest with its steadiness. Her words were meant to cheer Alex up.

But all she could hear was Kara saying _I deserve better_ ; _I didn’t choose this_ ; _I will put a stop to it_.

 

-

 

“Try not to get yourself killed,” Alex told Kara as they both landed on the sidewalk. People were streaming around them, scrabbling to escape. They barely even slowed down when they spotted Supergirl.

“I make no promises,” Kara quipped with a wink, before letting go of Alex and taking off into the sky.

“We're in position,” Alex said into the radio at her wrist. “Three assailants in view. Supergirl is dealing with the aerial threat.”

“Roger that, Agent Danvers,” returned J’onn’s voice over her earpiece.

Behind her, DEO vans pulled up with backup, but Alex was already in motion. While Kara fought a hulking, hooded figure up above, trying to avoid their axe, Alex worked to assess the situation further down below. There were axes here, too.

Thankfully, Alex had come prepared.

As she coordinated with her team, she felt Kara’s elevated heartbeat throb alongside hers, no longer a distraction. Kara’s determination was her own, and as she and her team charged into the fight, Alex hoped that Kara found her presence soothing, too. If only during this.

 

-

 

A searing pain flared up at Alex’s side, forcing a gasp from her lips.

Immediately, her eyes sought out Kara up above, but she wasn't there anymore. A quick, desperate sweep of the environs revealed that Kara had crash landed in a pile of rubble, a gaping cut in her side. There was blood everywhere, and Alex watched on in horror as the hooded attacker flew towards her, bloody axe held high.

Letting go of the one assailant they’d just handcuffed, Alex gritted her teeth in anger and left all common sense behind. Time seemed to slow down as she started running. But while everyone else remained still, she grew faster. And faster.

Before she could fully comprehend it, she was standing over Kara, both hands wrapped around the hilt of the hooded figure’s axe, keeping it at bay. She barely even noted that the mark of In-Ze had started to glow bright yellow.

“Hands off,” she growled, her voice not quite her own. Inside her chest, she felt more than just herself and Kara.

In a show of ancient strength, fueled by whatever had taken over her body, she ripped the axe from the hulking form in front of her and turned it around, grunting with righteous fury as she buried it in their attacker’s chest.

They dropped like a stone, and they didn't get back up.

As soon as she was sure that it wasn't a ploy, Alex turned on her heel and ran to Kara, falling to her knees by her side and pressing her hands to her side.

“Hey, hey, I got you,” she murmured softly, ignoring the still glowing mark on her hand as she pushed a strand of hair from Kara’s sweaty face. “I got you.”

She felt Kara’s pain acutely, but she could also tell it wouldn't be fatal. Although Kara would need a sunbed soon.

“Show-off,” Kara whispered, her voice jittery.

“I'm only ever as strong as I need to be,” Alex replied, pressing a kiss against Kara’s temple. She’d thought rarely of the legacy that Kara needed to carry on in terms of herself. What role could Alex play in the preservation of Krypton? She felt differently now.

Arms reached around her, holding her tightly, and Alex sagged in relief. She kept her hand steady on Kara’s wound, but she allowed herself a moment of peace as she pressed her face to Kara’s neck and closed her eyes while the world raged on around them.

 

-

 

Alex drew her finger along Kara’s stomach, trying to distract her from the itching there as the skin and tissue knitted itself back together. It was mostly self-indulgent. A reassurance that Kara was fine.

“I didn't know it could do that,” Kara mentioned absentmindedly, lifting her right hand and gazing at the burn scar there. “I didn't know we could share powers.”

“Too bad I don't have any to give you.” Alex kept her focus on the motion of her own hand, too worried to glance up and see something she didn't want in Kara’s eyes. “The next time I’m in trouble, all I can give you is a strangely strong resistance to athlete's foot.”

Snorting softly, Kara stretched out her arm to poke Alex in the cheek. Then, she sighed. “I'm sorry you had to come save me again.” She covered Alex’s fingers with her own, stilling them. “You shouldn't have to.”

“Did you want me to let you get chopped in half? Because I didn't get that vibe from you,” Alex retorted, trying to ignore the rush of endorphins her brain released at Kara’s thumb stroking the mark.

“No!” Kara shot back, poking Alex in the cheek again. “But you’ve been sacrificing so much for me ever since I’ve come here, and especially recently.” With a groan, she sat up, her skin stretching with irritation where the cut had been before. “I don't want to take anything else from you.”

There it was again, that _guilt_.

Alex’s least favorite companion.

“Kara,” Alex pulled away her fingers so she could rub at her temples, “stop.”

“But-”

“No.” Alex held up her hand. “Stop blaming yourself. None of what happened was your fault. _None_ of it.”

“But-!”

“What did I just say?”

A look between a pout and the beginnings of a defiant tirade took root on Kara’s lips, which made for a singularly ridiculous expression. Before Kara’s mutinous nature overrode everything else, Alex rubbed at her own eyes and took Kara’s hand.

“You didn’t sic the Black Mercy on yourself. And I could have told Astra to put away her crystal science at any time. I _chose_ not to, Kara. And that wasn't your fault, either.” She finally made proper eye contact, and she wasn't surprised to see Kara’s anguish writ large over her face.

“But you didn't know, Alex. You didn't _know_ ,” Kara whispered, looking small and vulnerable in nothing but her skirt and bra. “She took something from you that I can't give you back. I’ve been looking, Alex, but… I don't think there's--”

“So let's talk about what she took from me. Or better yet, let's talk about what I took from _you_ ,” Alex interjected, feeling frustration seep into her chest, warring with Kara’s genuine regret. “I might not have known what she was doing, but even if I had, Kara, I would have made the same decision if it meant keeping you safe.” She shook her head. “What does that say about _me_?”

In her chest, Alex felt Kara’s heart skip a beat, forcing her to look away and close her eyes.

“I _took_ your chance to share yourself with someone who deserves you. And I would do it again, in a heartbeat,” Alex squeezed out, trying to pull her hand away from Kara’s. “I made that decision for you. How fucked up is that?”

“Alex, I would have died,” Kara insisted, holding on tightly to Alex’s fingers and refusing to let go. “You were forced to--”

“No one forces me to do anything,” Alex interrupted her again. This time, there was a different sort of worry in Kara’s eyes. “If you want to blame someone for what happened, blame _me_. Astra thought she was doing a great thing; Non was just trying to kill you; I _tied_ you to me.”

Shaking her head ever so slightly, Kara drew her fingers along Alex’s cheek.

“There’s no one I'd rather be tied to,” she whispered, hitting a truth that Alex had been hiding for the past two months.

“Then can we stop trying to pass around the blame?” Alex caught Kara’s wrist. “Because you're going to be stuck with me for the next thousand years or so, and I don't want to be arguing about this in 3015.” It felt like progress when Kara smiled ever so slightly at her words, so Alex went in for the kill. “Plus, I miss you. I didn't get you out of that fantasy because I wanted to avoid you.”

It didn't take more than that for Kara to pull her into a hug. And Alex tried not to notice how pleasantly her mark tingled when she sagged into the embrace and let both her and Kara’s relief flood through her.

 

-

 

They were all having a little get together at Kara’s place the first time Alex felt something odd in her chest. Something that she thought she ought to have recognized, but that felt new and uncomfortable. It took her a while to realize it as Kara’s emotion, not her own, and that was even stranger. At this point, Alex would have thought she knew every facet of her sister’s kaleidoscope of emotions, but when Lucy sat down next to Alex and threw an arm along the back of the couch, she felt… _off_.

She didn't like it.

But the mark seemed to approve.

“Teams of two?” Lucy suggested, gesturing at Kara and James. Normally, Winn would have been with them, but he had a different friend emergency he had to tend to.

After placing down the bowl of chips she’d poured in the kitchen, Kara shrugged and sat next to James, who smiled at her. She didn't even seem to notice him. Instead, she grabbed a handful of chips and shoved three of them inside her mouth.

Alex, still sensing that something was off, put her hand on Lucy’s knee. The unhappiness inside her only grew, but she couldn't pinpoint _why_. Kara had been chipper all night. In fact, she’d been much happier the entire previous week, ever since they’d agreed to put a moratorium on avoiding one another.

“I was hoping to be on Kara’s team tonight,” she said, putting a sarcastic lilt into her words. “No offense, but you suck at pictionary.”

Lucy punched her shoulder.

“Fuck you,” she said, before running a hand through her hair. “Full offense taken.”

Before she could say anything else, Kara knocked the bowl of chips over in her attempt to grab new ones without looking. But instead of simply spilling over onto the floor, Kara’s knuckles sent it careening straight into Lucy’s lap.

“Oh my--I'm so sorry!” Kara exclaimed, immediately jumping to her feet. The shock on her face was genuine, but Alex couldn't help but feel Kara’s relief when Lucy pulled away from Alex to deal with the mess.

Odd, indeed.

 

-

 

“How is it already one in the morning?” Alex griped as she looked at her watch. “Kara, you were supposed to send me home at ten!”

“Oops,” Kara said with little enthusiasm, rubbing her full stomach while she was still licking at the last spoon of chocolate chip ice cream. “I forgot.”

It was a lie.

Alex knew it was a lie, Kara knew it was a lie.

With a sigh, Alex rubbed at her forehead.

“I don't have any spare clothes left,” she whined, before looking down at the pajamas Kara had loaned her two days earlier. She hadn't been to her own apartment in five. That should have alarmed her, maybe, but Kara had been flying them home every night and Alex had been too comfortable in her arms to object.

“You can bum some off me,” Kara said with a shrug, setting aside the empty tub and spoon on the coffee table. “Who cares. You have a clean set of DEO stuff at work.” Kara’s snuggled up form at the other end of the couch made Alex feel weak and pliable, two adjectives she would not have used to describe herself under any other circumstances.

“Fine,” Alex relented, telling herself that it was worth it to go to work in pastels if it made Kara happy. Without a word, Kara smiled and floated over until she could cuddle up to Alex’s chest. “It’s still one in the morning. I need to go to bed.”

“Mhmm,” Kara replied, tucking her head under Alex’s chin and wiggling until Alex wrapped her arms around her. Unable to move, Alex blamed the feeling of warmth gathering in her chest on Kara’s body heat, rather than the sheer joy of having Kara back in her life after all this time. It was good. Better than good.

It was worth the occasional pang of longing in situations like this.

It would always be worth it.

 

-

 

Alex didn't realize anything was wrong until her mark started to burn furiously and a tidal wave of emotions crashed over her that was strong enough to almost force her to her knees. She’d just arrived at the lab and had been about to pull up her crystal studies. She’d gotten some of them to grow quite rapidly, but hadn't yet figured out how to use them for storage. Now, though, her research was the furthest thing from her mind.

“Kara,” she gasped, gripping the edges of her desk and staring down at the mark of In-Ze. Kara’s heartbeat was off. It was too fast, too irregular. And there was a feeling of _rage_ in Alex’s chest that she couldn't explain.

With shaking fingers, she pulled out her phone and dialed Kara’s number, but it went straight to voicemail.

“Shit,” she whispered, balling her free hand into a fist. At least she was reasonably certain that Kara wasn't in any danger, if the mark’s temper was anything to go by. It wasn't glowing, which was a good sign, and the burning wasn't exactly _bad_. It felt new and unfamiliar, but but also strangely satisfying.

Alex didn't like it.

Hitting dial again, Alex cursed once more as she was sent to voicemail for the second time.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” she whispered, before putting down her phone and scratching at the scar on her hand. She felt almost frantic with the need to see Kara and make sure she was okay. Closing her eyes, she worked on calming herself and sending Kara soothing emotions to balance out the onslaught of chaos in her. As she sank onto a chair, she fought against the desire to leave the DEO and _find_ Kara, even though the mark tingled at the thought.

But Kara didn't feel like she needed help, and Alex had been taking up too much of her time lately as it was. If Kara wanted to talk about these feelings and whatever was making her feel them, she’d come to Alex with them.

A knock on the door jamb startled Alex out of her thoughts. When she looked up, she saw Vasquez standing there, face concerned.

“Are you okay?” they asked, before setting a bottle of water on the desk.

Alex, who had been trying to keep her bond to Kara secret from as many people as she could, nodded stiffly. In her chest, Kara’s feelings struggled against her own, and she hid her balled fist under the table.

“I think I'm coming down with something,” she lied easily. “Thanks for the water.”

Once her colleague had left - though not without another worried glance - Alex uncapped the water and downed half of it in one go. She almost spat a mouthful of it out when her phone vibrated on her desk with a new text message.

It was from Kara.

_See you soon_ , it said, with a kiss emoji attached at the end. It explained nothing, and yet Alex felt her immediate worry settle ever so slightly. Still, she knew her heart wouldn't slow until Kara’s did.

 

-

 

Another text had followed soon after, and Alex had been unable and unwilling to refuse its request. The confusing onslaught of emotions, much more pronounced than usual, had continued all morning, and when Kara had asked her to meet for lunch at a nice restaurant in town, Alex had practically run to the locker room to change back into her regular attire.

She wasn't prepared for what greeted her there when she arrived.

“Hello,” Kara said with an attractive lilt to her voice, her arms curling around Alex’s neck as soon as she was close enough. She was wearing a tight, form-fitting black top that left her arms bare to shimmer in the midday sun. Her legs were accentuated by a striped pencil skirt and her hair had been left down and wavy. She was wearing a darker shade of lipstick than she’d ever favored and she towered over Alex in gorgeous black heels.

She was a vision.

And she kissed Alex straight on the lips.

 

-

 

“I'm happy you're here,” Kara purred into Alex’s ear, her breath causing shudders to run through Alex.

Kara had kissed her.

Kara had just _kissed_ her.

And now she was nipping at her damn _ear_.

“Kara, what the hell?” Alex exclaimed almost angrily, feeling decidedly off balance. “What do you think you're doing?” Alex’s cheeks felt hot, her chest tingly, and her hands were clammy on the back of Kara’s top.

Kara huffed and raked an impatient hand along the small hairs at the back of Alex’s head.

“Greeting my zrhymin the way that I should be,” she said with an exaggerated pout, before cupping Alex’s cheeks and pulling her into a second kiss. “We've been idiotic. I don't want to hide what we have anymore.”

Alarm bells were going off in Alex’s mind, dampened only by the feelings of passion pouring off of Kara in spades. There had been hints here and there of Kara’s attraction towards people, but Alex had never associated those feelings with _herself_. She wouldn't have been quite so masochistic as to hope.

“Kara, are you _on_ something?” Alex asked softly, trying to guide Kara away from the middle of the damn street and towards a more secluded area. But Kara wasn't having it. Instead of coming along quietly like she would have any other time, she bristled and pulled Alex closer by the lapels of her blazer.

“I'm being _honest_ for once, Alex. Honest about what I _want_. I know you can't bring yourself to be open unless you're drunk, so I wouldn't expect you to understand,” Kara hissed at her, eyes colder and sharper than an ice pick. Her words were meant to leave wounds, and Alex felt bile rise in her throat.

“Okay, there's definitely something wrong with you,” Alex tried again, wrapping her hands around Kara’s wrists soothingly. “Let’s get you to the DEO. I want to run some tests to make sure you haven't caught an alien virus.” She pressed her fingers against Kara’s mark, and there was a spark of familiarity in Kara’s eyes, before it was suppressed again.

“No.” Kara took a step back, her face hard and angry. “I know what you're doing. You want me to pretend everything is fine so you can keep living in this fantasy world where you don't share a soul bond with your little _sister_.”

Kara had been angry before - many, many times - but she’d never been cruel.

“But guess what, Alex?” Kara continued, her voice a quiet threat so no one else could hear her but Alex. “I know you. I know what you feel when you look at me.” She tapped her own chest. “I know you want me weak and spread-eagle underneath you.” She moved forward again, swaying her hips like a dangerous predator, forcing Alex back until they had both disappeared around the corner of the restaurant.

“That’s not true,” Alex said, pressing her palm against the brick wall to her left. “It’s not true, Kara.”

“Yes, it is,” Kara growled, her eyes briefly flashing red. They were out of view of the public now, but Alex still felt a spark of anxiety entirely removed from their conversation. “I am the most powerful being on this unimportant planet and you love nothing more than to see me on my knees for you. That’s why you've been keeping up this charade of _sisterhood_. You're afraid to stand at my side.”

“Kara, you're not yourself.” That much was obvious, but Alex had no idea what the hell had triggered this outburst. “Please, let me help.”

Kara grabbed Alex’s right wrist.

“You’ve been keeping me down ever since I came here, all so you wouldn't have to face the fact that you and I were meant for each other.” She pulled up Alex’s hand roughly. “But that’s over now, Alex. We're bonded. You're _mine_ . Stop pretending you don't want to _fuck_ me.”

With a look of cold rage, Kara let go of Alex and turned away from her. Then, she was gone, moving too fast for Alex to say or do anything at all.

 

-

 

Four hours later, Alex was sitting at the DEO after having had Maxwell Lord confess to dosing Kara with a chemical that turned her into just the monster he’d always wanted her to be. It had taken almost all of Alex’s self-control not to break his nose and a few other bones while she was at it. He deserved far worse for what he had done to Kara.

She was working on an antidote when she got the call.

Kara.

Kara was calling her.

“Hey,” Alex said almost breathlessly, hoping against hope that the effects had simply worn off.

“Alex,” Kara replied, her voice a concerning mix of longing and megalomania. “I trust you saw how I stood up to Cat.”

Rubbing a hand across her face, Alex cursed the day Maxwell Lord had been conceived.

Not only had she _seen_ Supergirl threaten Cat Grant on video footage, she’d also experienced the dangerous joy and exhilaration Kara had felt while she’d been in the act. It had been a terrible and wonderful feeling and Alex had hated every second of it. Even now, Alex felt the results of the infection in her mark.

“Please come in, Kara,” Alex pleaded as she turned her chair around so the others at the base wouldn't be able to see her face through the transparent walls. “Please let me help you.”

Kara let out a dark chuckle, the mirth of which Alex felt reverberate in her own ribcage.

“You're very sweet, Alex. I’ve always loved that about you,” Kara mentioned almost nonchalantly, clearly having no intention to let go of this corrupted version of herself. “But I don't need your help. You need _mine_. I deserve to rule this pitiful place.” She paused for a second, before her voice took on a more vulnerable tone that was no less disconcerting. “I want you by my side, Alex, for all of it. I want to build a new Krypton with you.”

“And what if that's not what I want?” Alex whispered, before lifting her hand and pressing her lips against her mark.

“It is,” Kara insisted, that same edge from earlier drifting back into her words. “Just imagine it, Alex. The world at our feet. We will form the most powerful guild anyone has ever seen.”

The denial was on her tongue.

But then, she considered her options.

There really was only one acceptable answer.

“Okay,” she said, closing her eyes. “Okay. Let’s take over the world.”

 

-

 

The black leotard, so reminiscent of Astra, accentuated Kara’s dangerous musculature, underlined her steadfast insistence that she should be ruler and no one else. She stood with her back to Alex, her hands crossed behind her. Her posture was strong, sure. She looked like a queen ready for battle.

“I knew you’d come to me,” Kara stated without turning around. “I knew I wouldn't have to force you.” She lifted one of her hands until it was out of view, but Alex could tell she had placed it on her heart. “I always know. Astra picked wisely for us.”

Letting down a slow breath, Alex walked up to Kara until she was just behind her.

“I love you, Kara,” she said steadily, her hands curled into fists by her side.

“I know, Alex. I can feel it.”

When Kara finally did turn around, her face looked almost sweet. Almost. But Alex could see the red veins pulsing along her face, could tell that Kara wasn't herself, still.

Reaching out her hand, palm down, Alex waited for Kara to grasp it. But she didn't. Instead, she closed the distance between them and tipped up Alex’s chin with her fingers. Her grip was tight, but not poised to snap. Even like this, Alex knew Kara would never seriously hurt her.

“I will give you everything,” Kara growled. “I will raze this world to the ground.” Her lips trailed along Alex’s left cheek, and Alex lifted on her toes a little to meet them with her own. The kiss seemed to startle Kara, who whimpered softly, before curling both hands around Alex’s neck to hold her even closer. Kara’s lips weren't soft, because she wasn't trying to be gentle. She took and Alex gave willingly, her right hand settling on Kara’s neck. “We will make love on the ashes.”

Tears gathering in Alex’s eyes, she reached up with her left hand and stroked her fingers along the sharp line of Kara’s jaw.

“I'm sorry,” she whispered, watching as Kara’s face went from intense to confused to furious, right before her eyes rolled into the back of her head and she sagged in on herself. Alex caught her quickly, dropping the needle she’d hidden up her sleeve. Slowly, Alex allowed herself and Kara to sink to their knees.

For a moment, she simply held Kara to her chest and watched the red lines recede from her face.

“I'm so sorry,” she whispered again, laying her forehead against the top of Kara’s head and squeezing her own eyes shut. The mark tingled with worry, knowing that its twin’s owner had been knocked out cold, but Alex could hardly pay any attention to it. All of her focus was placed firmly on the way Kara’s heart started to slow down, back to its normal rate before she’d been infected with the red kryptonite.

She didn't call in backup until the familiar rhythm had steadied.

 

-

 

There were no mirrors in the med bay. The DEO didn't want to force their injured agents to have to stare at themselves while they recovered. Usually, Alex agreed with the sentiment, especially when it came to sparing her colleagues pain. But now, she couldn't help but bring her fingers to her neck and chin, where she knew Kara’s fingers had left bruises. She wished she could see them as she waited for Kara to wake up, wished she could make sense of what this entire ordeal would do to them.

The red kryptonite had undoubtedly altered Kara’s brain activity, but they had no way to tell in what way. Not now that the substance had been removed and destroyed with Alex’s antidote. More crucially, though, Alex wished she knew how Kara would feel once she woke. It was the reason Alex had barely left her side since their return to the DEO. She didn't want Kara to be alone in the aftermath.

With a sigh, Alex pressed her forefinger against one of the more painful bruises.

 

-

 

Kara’s forehead crinkled adorably when she started coming to, prompting Alex’s heart to speed up just slightly. Kara had been out for just shy of five hours, and though Alex had tried to work on the crystal technology, she hadn't been able to bring herself to look away from Kara’s face for long stretches of time.

Her thoughts had been a jumbled mess of worries, anxieties and occasional spells of self-loathing, so she kept her hands firmly to herself as she watched Kara enter wakefulness.

Eyes fluttering, Kara turned her head slightly towards Alex, as though she could feel her presence.

Alex’s fingers twitched at her sides.

“Hey,” she whispered gently when Kara finally looked up at her. For a moment, Alex hoped Kara wouldn't remember. If her memories of the last day were simply wiped away, they could go back to how they had been just a couple of hours ago. Before even more cracks had appeared in the framework of their relationship.

But then, just as quickly, Alex’s half-formed hopes and dreams were wiped away as Kara’s eyes filled with tears and she turned her head away, her face marred with pain and regret.

She wasn't sure what to say, faced with the proof that Kara did remember.

Vividly.

She could tell that Kara was trying to suppress her emotions to keep them hidden from Alex’s mark and their connection, but it wasn't quite working. Sparks of her shame slipped through here and there, strong enough for Alex’s body to sway closer.

“It’s okay,” Alex said soothingly, giving in to her desire to touch Kara in _some small way_. Hand as steady as she could make it, she reached out and wiped away one of Kara’s tears with the back of her fingers. “It’s okay, Kara.”

Bringing her hand to her face, Kara shook her head as she tried to hide herself away from view.

She had seen the bruises.

Alex could tell.

Slowly, she sat down on the chair she’d been sitting on intermittently for the last couple of hours. She didn't want to startle Kara, who was so caught up in her grief, so she carefully placed her palm on the fingers of Kara’s left hand. It was resting on the slab Kara was lying on and was balled into a fist.

When Alex’s skin made contact, Kara seemed to curl into herself even further.

“Don't,” she gasped out, almost prompting Alex to let go. But she didn't feel anything from Kara other than disgust at herself, and so she held on.

“It’s okay,” Alex said again, now enfolding Kara’s fist entirely between her own fingers. “I'm here.”

Dropping her right palm to her lips, Kara shook her head again.

“Why--How can you.” Her words were stuttered out through hiccups and sobs. “I--you--” She opened her eyes, the tears making her blue irises shine more brightly than ever. “I’m so sorry, Alex. For--” Her eyes flickered to the bruises on Alex’s throat and jaw again. “Alex, I--”

Shushing her softly, Alex reached out again and wiped a few more tears away.

“I know, Kara. I know it wasn't you,” she said carefully, stroking her thumb along Kara’s temple. “I'm not angry.”

More shakes of the head.

“ _No_. No, it _was_ me,” Kara whispered, her eyes trained on Alex’s face, though not on her eyes. “I have all of these terrible thoughts. Thoughts about you.” She stayed where she was, on her back, entirely exposed. Maybe she was trying to appear as non-threatening as possible. “But I don't--I didn't mean them, Alex. Please, you have to believe me.”

Feeling tears burn in her own eyes, Alex pushed down the disappointment she couldn't help but feel. Of course Kara hadn't meant any of it. But now wasn't the time.

“I know, Kara. I know,” Alex reassured her, her fingers squeezing Kara’s. “You don't have to explain.” A small part of Alex wanted to press a kiss to the back of Kara’s hand, but a bigger part forced her to simply hold on.

“I don't know how you can look at me,” Kara said almost too quietly for Alex to understand. “After…” Her gaze traced the bruises. “I--I _violated_ you.” More tears flowed, and Kara looked away again. “I never wanted--”

Alex almost gasped as she felt the new wave of self-loathing roll off Kara and settle in her own chest. It fueled Alex’s anger more than anything else. Lord had _done_ this to them and she would see to it that he paid.

“You didn't do this,” Alex emphasized again, wishing she could somehow make Kara _see_. “You don't have to apologize to me for something you didn't want.”

A strangled sound of desperation passed Kara’s lips, reverberating almost deafeningly in the silence of the room. No one else was here. No one dared disturb Alex’s vigil. They were all trying to run around and fix what Lord had broken.

A beat passed, before Kara spoke again, voice vibrating with shame.

“But I did.”

Kara’s eyes were open, but they were staring at the wall of the med bay. Unseeing, glittering with moisture.

“I did want it,” she whispered again, her muscles growing ever stiffer, her body shaking with sobs.

“Kara…”

“I could see what I was doing was wrong, but I didn't care, I just couldn't--I couldn't stop myself. And it felt good, Alex. It felt so good to finally take whatever I wanted. To say all of those horrible thoughts out loud.” Every word seemed to be causing her physical pain and Alex didn't know how to help. “I forced myself on you, and all I could think about was how right it felt.” Her eyeliner, so carefully applied earlier, was no match against her Kryptonian tears. “I'm a monster.”

Alex hated the bad taste Kara’s words seemed to leave in her own mouth.

“ _No_ ,” she said forcefully, getting to her feet and cupping both of Kara’s cheeks. “Stop.” She couldn't stand the look on Kara’s face. Her beautiful alien should never look so defeated. “ _Stop._ ”

“I hurt you,” Kara insisted, her confusion and remorse wrangling in Alex’s chest.

“I don't care. I don't _care_.” Grabbing Kara’s right hand, Alex pressed the back of it against her chest, against her heart. “You are _not_ a monster.” Kara’s bottom lip wobbled. “You are not responsible for what happened.”

Not even a second later, Kara had surged up into a sitting position, her arms wrapped around Alex’s torso, her face buried against her polo shirt. Alex didn’t hesitate to return the embrace, her right hand curling against the back of Kara’s head and holding her close.

“I’m sorry,” Kara whispered, her hands struggling to remain gentle enough so she wouldn’t bruise more of Alex. “I didn’t want you to find out like this.” Her words were hard to make out, but Alex heard them just the same.

And as she held Kara, slowly rocking her back and forth, she stared at the mark on her hand and tried to ignore the small sparks of hope blooming in her chest.

 

-

 

The aftermath of the red kryptonite was hard on Kara in many different ways.

She could barely look at Alex until the bruises had faded, and her enthusiasm about being Supergirl had dampened. She spent more time acting like Kara Danvers even while she was in the cape than she ever had before, and Alex wasn’t quite sure how to cheer her up.

They hadn’t spoken about the kissing, about the fact that Kara apparently wanted more from their relationship than they currently shared, or about the way Alex’s heart had clearly responded in kind to Kara’s provocation.

Alex wasn’t great at the whole talking thing.

She was excellent at avoiding, though, which was something that Kara knew about her but very rarely used to her own advantage. Kara, other than Alex, believed in airing things out, and she had almost never let Alex get away with not talking about something.

But, then again, this time it was different. This time, it wasn’t about a small misunderstanding that could be fixed with a few words.

So when the second week had passed without Kara so much as attempting to make any meaningful contact with Alex that didn’t involve a few text messages and words at the DEO, Alex decided to take matters into her own hands. She could feel Kara’s anxiety and pain every day, every night, and she was frankly sick of it. Sick of knowing that Kara was suffering by herself.

“I’m going home,” she told J’onn as she passed him in the hall in front of his office. “Can you give Kara and me the night off?” She didn’t want to be interrupted in her quest to pull Kara back into her orbit.

J’onn, to his credit, did not ask her what was wrong.

“If Supergirl is needed, I will handle it,” he assured her, before giving her a friendly pat on the shoulder. “Good luck.”

She nodded.

She’d need it.

 

-

 

Kara was sitting on the couch when Alex came into her apartment.

She felt absolutely zero qualms about using her own spare key to the place, and she knew Kara had probably picked up on her presence the second she’d stepped foot in the building. Maybe even before that, if her nervous heartbeat in Alex’s chest was anything to go by.

“Hey,” Alex called out as she shut the door behind herself and shucked off her jacket.

Kara didn’t say anything. She was wrapped up in a blanket and was staring at Alex with a strange look on her face. The two of them hadn’t truly been alone for two weeks, clearly by Kara’s design, and Alex was glad she’d decided to put a stop to it.

Walking over to the fridge, she pulled out a bottle of beer, her mind flashing back to what Kara had spat at her while she had been under the influence.

_I know you can't bring yourself to be open unless you're drunk, so I wouldn't expect you to understand_.

She ignored the niggle of doubt clawing at the back of her brain that always came with moments like this.

“What are you watching?” she asked instead, before walking over to Kara and plopping down next to her on the couch. The TV was on, but Alex was half sure Kara hadn’t actually been paying attention to what was on the screen.

In response, Kara grabbed the remote from the coffee table and turned it off.

“Dramatic,” Alex commented, before setting the beer against her lips and taking a long drag.

“What are you doing here?” Kara asked quietly, though not in an accusatory manner. She had her arms crossed over her chest and she was wrapped in an oversized jumper that Alex would have drowned in if she’d been the one to wear it.

“I'm tired of trying to avoid you,” Alex said flatly, seeing no sense in beating about the bush. “And I'm tired of _you_ trying to avoid _me_.”

“I'm not avoiding you,” Kara grumbled, her frowning face turned towards her knees. “I’m just busy.”

“Right,” Alex shot back, raising her right eyebrow, “just a coincidence. Totally not on purpose. You just happen to be too busy to see me right after we kissed and you almost overthrew the world government to impress me. Got it.”

Sliding down a little, Alex sighed softly.

“I'm tired, Kara,” she said, gripping the bottle in her hand a little tighter. Her mark had been itching all day, no doubt aware of her plans to see Kara. But it wasn't happy that Alex hadn't yet made physical contact. “I'm tired of fighting this.”

A beat of silence followed as Alex took another sip of beer.

“I'm sorry,” Kara said, her gaze still lingering on her own knees.

“I'm not,” Alex admitted, lifting her eyes to the ceiling. “I'm… relieved.” She rubbed her fingers over her chest. “I love you, Kara. I'm not holding you to anything you said and did with the red kryptonite in your system, but I need you to understand.” She lolled her head to the side, noticing that Kara was staring at her with disbelief coloring her expression. “Astra didn't take anything from me with her crystal. I never would have wanted to bond with anyone else.”

She was sure Kara could feel her relief at finally saying it out loud. For most of her life, Alex had imagined this very moment, and she’d never dared to hope for a positive outcome, so she wasn't exactly _shocked_ when Kara burst into tears. Still, this wasn't one of her favored scenarios.

“Whoa, hey,” she said softly as she placed her beer on the coffee table and turned towards Kara. “I didn't want to make you cry.” Her hands settled instinctively on Kara’s knees, poised to comfort in any way she could. “I'm sorry.” In truth, she wasn't quite sure what she was apologizing for, because Kara didn't seem to be angry with her. Not if the way she was shaking her head and wiping at her cheeks was anything to go by.

“If you're just saying that because you think it will make me happy, I’ll punch you into space,” Kara said through hiccups, covering Alex’s hands with her own.

A gentle smile spread over Alex’s lips.

“Threats of violence don't exactly bode well for our future relationship,” she said teasingly, not at all surprised when Kara pulled her into a hug that was just a little too tight. Exactly the way Alex liked it.

 

-

 

A light breeze danced across Alex’s bare arm, sweetly teasing her to wakefulness. It took her several seconds to work out that it wasn't a breeze after all, but gentle fingers tracing along her skin.

“Hrm,” she griped at being woken, before turning onto her back and looking up at Kara, who looked better than she had in weeks. The sun sneaking in through the window bathed her in a golden halo and her eyes were a gorgeous ocean blue. Clear and steady.

With a gentle sound of surprise, Kara drew back her hand and brought it to her chest.

“I could get used to that feeling,” she said, clearly referring to the rush of love Alex felt every time she saw Kara. That same rush she’d been fighting down ever since she and Kara had been bonded together. Not holding back anymore was freeing in a way Alex hadn't truly been prepared for, and she smiled as she took Kara’s hand and pressed a kiss against the mark there.

“You’ll have plenty of time,” Alex murmured, before turning into Kara fully and snuggling back into the covers and Kara’s warmth. “ _After_ I’ve gotten some more sleep.”

Kara sniggered, but she didn't protest Alex curling up against her front.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you liked this! it took me ages to finish and im not quite sure i like the ending but meh. anyway, in my mind the crystal holds a part of every soul that came before it. so every time it's used to bind two souls together, a small part of them remains in the crystal and then imbues the next generation with the strength of the one that came before it. that's why Alex feels like she's not alone in her desire to protect Kara against the axe-wielding attacker
> 
> Also Astra basically says "You, Alex Danvers, will be bonded to Kara Zor-El forever. I, Astra In-Ze, bless this union." I got the words from the Kryptonian dictionary online and altered them a little to make them fit!
> 
> xoxo find me on tumblr @goshdarnitjay if you want to support me


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